if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Houston, we have a blender
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Randomize
