I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
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I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
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That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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