bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
