I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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