I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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