I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
