dude i'm inner monologue high
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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