i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
