So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
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