Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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