party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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