so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
