So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
My cat gives me a boner
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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