A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
