we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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