I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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