My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
