I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
