How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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