Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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