i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
