Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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