having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Houston, we have a squirter
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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