I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I think my fart just growled at me.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
