My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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