I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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