someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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