Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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