More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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