Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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