Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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