Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Randomize
