I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
