Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
nutella sex= disaster
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
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