So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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