Someone shit on the floor
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
