so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
im holly from the hills drunk
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
