At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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