I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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