i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
