those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Life is so much better after having sex.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
