Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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