Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Randomize
