my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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