I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
