see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
