i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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