i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
