I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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