I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
