Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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