in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
