I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
