the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
