If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
