Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
