I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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