oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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