I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
