Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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